Epiphones of the Sleep Disturbed

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months, or years <insert Friends' theme song> where you just want to sit down and have a pity party?  Yeah, me, too.  And, in jest (mostly) I posted about it this week.  After taking multiple, yet very minor hits I came home to find my Christmas lights had just fallen off of these house.  Hello?  Are you reading this?  They just  FELL.  OFF.  OF.  THE.  HOUSE.  As I pulled into the driveway and made sense of my view, my thought was something akin to "oh, you've got to be kidding me - what else???".  Haven't I felt like this before and survived?  Yes.  But it still felt fresh, new, and overwhelming.  And then, a little comical.  So, what did I do?  I posted it online.  Because that's what we do.  Or, that's what I do.  The purpose?  Well, partly to entertain - I mean it IS funny.  Partly to let my friends know, hey, we're all just trying to hold it together.  And partly, to commiserate with my peers.  And what did I receive?  Some people laughed with me.  I needed it.  Some people showed pity.  I wanted it.  Some people showed me the beauty.  I needed it.  Some people showed me the bright side.  I needed it.  Some people offered me tips.  I'll take them!  But, some people... some people didn't say a single thing.  But, I know what they did.  Some people prayed for me.  Ya'll - I don't know who.  Or how many.  But this hard week now feels good.  Not just good.  Peaceful.  Settled.  I feel content.  And thankful.  Like I have a new strength that did not come from me.  Thank you, Jesus.  And thank you to my prayerful friends.

In my classroom this morning I had an opportunity to enjoy my students before school.  Just feeling the warmth of our classroom community and their love.  This afternoon as my eldest son Aiden came home from home from school and immediately drug out the shop vac to clean my car as a gift of service in love, I felt treasured.  This evening working at the school with my youngest son Jackson to prepare for tomorrow's party, I felt connected, not alone.  

I was disturbed from my sleep to share this with you.  I didn't want to.  I wanted to stay in bed.  I wanted to keep listening to James Earl Jones read the New Testament and lull me back to sleep.  (Side Note:  If you are like me, and sometimes wake up and have trouble going back to sleep, download this from Audible.  You're welcome.)  The collection of words that came to mind was the quote "The Holy Spirit of grace desires to disturb your sleep.  Blessed are you if you awaken" by Lars Linderst.  I think He must wake me up in the middle of the night when the world is quiet because He knows I'm a slow processor and I need my time.  I mean, God was making accommodations for us long before ARDs and 504s, right?  I needed to quietly process this change in my week to realize that something changed, and ya'll... it wasn't me.  As I slowly put it together while James Earl was still going in the background, the scripture that came to mind was For my yoke is easy and my burden is light, Matthew 11:30.  What is funny about this, and annoying, is that when I am in the middle of a storm, instead of praying, I try and bear down and work through my troubles on my own.  Usually complaining all the way.  Because that's what you do, right?  You work through it on your own, solve your problem and move on.  No.  No, that's not what you should do.  Even if it's what is normal for you.  Or comfortable.  Familiar and known.  There's a better way.  Do not be like me and fail to use the power that is right beside you.  A word away.  Don't use an unsharpened axe to chop down the tree in front of you when the powerful chainsaw is RIGHT there.  Jesus never meant our life to be as tough as we make and His word says so.  His burden is light.  So, to my friends who prayed for me when I was too blind, ignorant, and unwilling to do so?  Thank you.  Thank you for giving my mind and body rest by calling out to God on my behalf to make my yoke easy.  

Prune Your Garden... Prune Your Life

I bought this little house plant just before our world was overtaken by COVID19.  It was small and it cost about five dollars.  Not a real splurge of a purchase, but it was not anything I needed.  I bought it just for me to satisfy my desire to be surrounded by beautiful growing things.  I brought it home and plunked the whole thing right inside a container that was a gift from a dear friend, once filled with a beautiful arrangement.  Looking at it while cooking dinner, unloading the dishwasher, or any other mundane house task brought me joy.  And then I noticed something.  Some of the leaves were turning dark.  As I inspected further, there were several leaves of my tiny little plant that were unhealthy.  I may not be Martha Stewart, but I am the granddaughter of Martha Jane, and we know how to love plants.  What had I done wrong?  I knew I needed to snip those leaves off.  And quick.  But, can I just be honest?  I didn't want to.  My little plant wasn't really that big, certainly not full.  Snipping away even those five or six little leaves was most certainly going to make this little darling look pitiful.  It took me a couple of days to get out the scissors.  I just didn't want to have to see my little plant bare, even though my plant loving heart knew without those unhealthy leaves sucking life and nutrients away, it would flourish.  Though it pained me to do so, I snipped and snipped, until I could see only healthy, green leaves.  I gathered the clippings and on the way to the trash, I found myself wondering how I could re-purpose them in some way.  I just didn't want to throw them out. Unhealthy?  Yes.  If used in another way, the fungus or ruining of these few clippings could possible destroy something else further.  I had to put them in the trash can.  This really shouldn't be so hard.  Finally, I dropped them in the garbage and waited patiently for my little baby to grow.

Flash forward a couple of weeks.  Our world looks different.  Businesses are closing their doors to contain a virus that has changed everything about how we live. I am watching the news as I unload the dishwasher and I look over to my growing plant...

I heard a message that unraveled quickly and slowly at the same time.  It will take more than a sentence or two to set the scene, so bear with me:

From June until February I worked part-time to supplement my income in a spa as a front desk gal.  In those eight months I grew to love my time there - greeting guests and making them feel adored, seen and heard.  Though the job was not perfect, having the opportunity to love on people made it worth all of the shortcomings.  It even taught me many lessons, including how quickly both positive and negative perspectives can grow, which I am thankful to have learned.  Then came a situation so upsetting I could not deny the negative impacts this job carried over into my home life.  For a week I had discussions with management about how things could improve, I studied my finances to find how I could manage without the additional funds, and I prayed.  A lot.  I finally came to a place of realization that this was no longer the place for me, though it hurt to leave.  I would miss the therapists I grew to admire.  I would miss greeting our clients with a smile and love.  And, I would miss the owners, too, as they had grown to be a part of my life.

And now, back to the message I heard.  Had it not been for that uncomfortable situation that forced me to take a hard look at whether this placed served me well and if it were truly necessary to my financial well being to stay, I would have lost this second job without warning during the closures of the pandemic.  I would not have been prepared or prayed up.  Losing this job would have been a crushing blow to our livelihood.  And even though it took me a while to 'get out the scissors,' I finally did it.  And in the absence of my second job, my family flourished again.  I am thankful for the situation in which I was forced to prune what was no longer serving me from my life.

I pray for wisdom and courage for you and for me to prune what not longer serves us.  And I pray for opportunities for you to share with others the pruning in your life to encourage and empower us to all to do the same.

He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn't produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more.               John 15:2

God's Bratty Little Teenager

Do you have a teenager?  Are you a parent, aunt or uncle, neighbor, grandparent, educator, etc.  We all know teenagers.  They are (at times) ungrateful, annoying, disobedient, and, OH are they opinionated and independent.  Of course their way will work BETTER than mine.  Insert:  eye roll. 

Now, if you know me, you know I love and adore my boys.  They are my life's work, and I pour into them to the point of exhaustion.  But, to me - it's worth it.  I am hopeful the wisdom I share helps each of them avoid pitfalls and wrong turns.  I am hopeful they do not feel the need to make ALL the mistakes to learn the lessons as I did.  Side note:  as a teenager, I frequently told my parents to 'let me make my own mistakes'... I was an idiot.  I think of how much they have grown and all of the great things they will accomplish during their lives.  I think often of the impact they have on the others around them.  And they make me so proud.  I share this with you to explain that I do, in fact, love my children.  Yes, I get frustrated when they prefer not to time to spend with me, when they disagree with the rules of our home and when the rules are completely disregarded, when they complain about how bad their life is, when they are not grateful for what I provide for them.  But, how my heart shines when my sons receive a compliment from an adult who notices the way in which each of them are different from the others, when my sweet young men offer comfort and tissues to a teary eyed mama, and when we have heart to heart conversations and they admit they can see why I ask what I do of them.  In these moments, among others, I breathe a sigh of peace and joy.  It is well.  And, it is worth it.

Let's go back to the unflattering picture of a teenager.  That is me.  I am too busy to stop what I am doing to spend time with Him.  I complain about my life and how much more I have in mind for me.  I am not always obedient to what he asks of me.  I don't always understand WHY he asks certain things of me.  Ouch.  I am God's bratty little teenager.  My spirit is crushed.  I am embarrassed and filled with shame.  How can He love me?  I am such a jerk.  Yet, he is so patient with me.  He offers such grace and mercy.   

God uses my children to teach me about myself.  He knows how to get my attention.  Am I as good of a parent to my children as He is to me?  No.  Am I as patient?  No.  As full of mercy?  No.  I say things like how many times do I need to tell you NOT to wear your shoes inside the house and I just cleaned the floor (again) and now you have made the floor dirty (again).  Clearly, I am not the perfect parent as He is.  And yet, when my children make me angry, really angry, do I love them?  Yes - without question.  Do I forgive them?  Eventually... I am not Jesus.  Will I continue to love, support, guide, discipline, and grow my children?  Yes.  And why?  Because I love them.  And how much more does God love me, you, us, etc.  Though I am the ULTIMATE bratty teenager.  He loves me still.  He comforts me still.  He forgives me still.  And I am thankful.

Father, I am humbled by your love for me.  I am thankful that you continue to pour into me.  I am overwhelmed by your gentleness and grace in how you handle me.  Please give me the wisdom, guidance, peace and patience to parent more like you and less like me. 

Country Living

Out in the sticks, we love our animals - horses, dogs, chickens, donkeys, and sometimes even a cat thrown in to help with rodent control.  The thing about animals is… they die.  My poor sweet boys got to experience this little life lesson today and I am feeling like I really should have handled it differently.

My dad called me this morning and told me that Batty, his rooster, died.  Now, this may not be front page news to the rest of the world, but around here, this is tragic.  You see Batty is a beloved pet at the Rockin’ B.  He was named by Aiden because when he held him upside down his wings spread out like a bat – hence the name.  Every time we go to my parent’s house, Aiden makes a mad dash to the barn to scoop Batty up in his arms and he carries him around for hours at a time.  When I say he was a pet, it is quite an understatement - he was truly worshiped.  His death is attributed to the circle of life.  Bobcat tracks were found in the mud, so he was most likely Mr. Bob’s midnight snack.  My dad told me that we could tell the boys that Batty was missing.  Not one to be told how to handle a situation, I decided it would be best to tell the boys the truth.  This is simply a way of life and I didn’t want to lie to them.  I now regret my choice to be so forthcoming with my sweet little boys.

We pulled into the house after getting the boys from school and I decided this was the time.  I shut off the car and told them I had some bad news.  And then – I absolutely ruined their day.  Happy Cinco de Mayo children – aren’t you happy your mother loves honesty?  No, I am sure they also wish I would have lied.  And so, through crying eyes, my beloved little sweeties asked me questions about Batty.  Is he going to be okay?  Can we check on him?   Is he going to the chicken hospital – and I have to be honest here, this one almost made me laugh out loud, but I hid my smirk as best I could and soldiered on.  We talked it out for a while and I apologized for Batty’s demise a million and one times.  I then decided it was time to move on from this devastating conversation and suggested sweet tea and cupcakes.  While Jackson initially agreed, he didn’t touch more than a single lick on the icing before he was crying again.  Aiden denied the invitation right up front, preferring to ride his bicycle instead.  I let him go – who am I to decide how one can best handle the grief of a dead rooster? 

Jackson wanted to know again why he couldn’t check on Batty.  So, again, I am into this conversation about the bobcat.  He went through body parts one by one asking, did the Bobcat eat his feathers, his beak, his tummy, etc.  Poor baby… he was crying at every answer – why didn’t I just lie?  And then, since we discussed that Batty is in heaven with Jesus, he asked if he could go to heaven too.  This is SO not how I pictured this day.  I had to explain that it just isn’t time for him to go to heaven, but that Jesus will take good care of Batty for us and they will be happy together.  And then he said, well, Aiden died and went to heaven, why can’t I go?  I think Jackson has the wrong mother.  I really need a rocket scientist or at least a theologian to be available to answer all of these questions I simply do not know how to answer.   I do my best to explain that it was not Aiden’s time to leave and Jesus brought him back to life to show other people his power and grace.  I might as well been describing to him why we don’t wear white after labor day.  He did not want to hear what I had to say.  In the end, we dried his tears and went outside to play.  Oh Lord, please help me raise these boys without messing them up too bad!  My greatest fear is to get a psychiatrist bill on mother’s day when they are in their 40s.  I promise I am trying to do my best down here, but your blessing would be greatly appreciated!

Love to all!

Birthday Girl

Well, it is the day after my birthday.  My family has all gone home.  The kitchen is clean.  The house is quiet.  And then the boys wake up.  Actually, then I spend five minutes waking the boys up.  They love their sleep.  More so in the morning than at night!  So, I think they are normal.  With a son in kindergarten and one in pre-k, we spend a lot of time counting things.  They asked me this morning, how old I am again.  I answer as cheerfully as possibly, 31.  And then my beautiful sweet Aiden says, and next you will be 32.  Yikes!  Let me settle into the fact that I am no longer easing into my 30s... I am up to my knees!  But, mothers don't talk like that.  So I answer, yes, honey, next year I will be 32.  And then next they begin counting!  We count all the time like I said, so it should have been no surprise.  But mentally, I am watching pages of a calendar being ripped away as they move on to 33, 34, 35, 36, and on... at 39, they ask, what comes next?  Death, I think.  But mothers don't say that either.  So I answer 40, and they begin again.  The years of my life are whizzing before my eyes and they just won't stop counting!!   Please boys, have mercy on me!  They hit 50 and I told them to eat their breakfast so we aren't late for school.  Saved by pop tarts, who would have thought?

As an 'old woman' who is starting over in nearly every area of her life, this little morning counting exercise really hit me like a ton of bricks.  What does the future hold for me?  What things am I predestined to experience and what choices can I make to enhance the next years of my life?  I can answer this question as honestly as I know how:  I don't know.  But I am more encouraged than ever to enjoy my life and make the best of all the things that come my way.  

For I know the plans I have for your, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
                                                                                                                           Jeremiah 29:11

Welcome to mi vida loca!

If you had asked me ten years ago what my plans were for the future, I can absolutely promise you, the life I live is not what I would I have predicted for me.  But, this is where I am.  And... I am content.  Scratch that – I am truly happy.  Do I have everything I want for myself?  No.  Do I have all the things I wish to acquire?  No.  Am I satisfied with living out the rest of my days without a life partner to share them with?  No.  So, why in the heck am I content?  I am glad you asked, my friend…

We can all make the choice on where our focus lies.  We can zero in on the car we don’t drive, the home we don’t have, the spouse who isn’t there, and on and on and on and on… OR we can choose to COUNT OUR BLESSINGS!  Focusing on the all of the things we do have. 

First and foremost on this list for me is I am thankful for Jesus Christ who died as the ultimate sacrifice for our sins so that we may be forgiven.  That’s not even the end of it – he did so that we could have a relationship with God.  And how awesome is it to know that He is always there?  Words cannot even express the joy I feel to know that there is someone who loves me more than I can imagine and wants nothing but the best for me.   Even when I do not have the faith in Him that He has for me, He loves me still.  Wow!

I also have the best family on the planet – hands down!  We are like a litter of pups gathered from the SPCA… we have real ‘blood’ siblings, half siblings, step siblings, and step parents.  And we are closer than most any family I know.  No matter what happens in my life, I know that I can run right to my family.  And guess what?  When I screw up, they will tell me.  When I make them proud, they tell me that, too.  Either way – no matter how they feel about my choices in life at the time, I know they are there for me and will always be.   We laugh together, cry together, have fun together, worship together, and enjoy each other.  What a truly amazing gift from above to have this kind of perfect love on earth!

And where would I be without my friends?   Like any true collector, they have been carefully selected over time.  Some come and go, but the true core group of super-awesome-girlfriends I have are rock solid.  They have proved time and again that no matter what happens in my life – good or bad – they will be by my side to see me through.  I am so thankful to have been blessed with such awesome women to grow with me throughout my life.

I am reminded of the poem ‘footprints’ which talks about a man who is frustrated with God because he has noticed that in the worst of times, there is a single set of footprints in his path in life.  He thinks it is because God has left and had him walking alone through his darkest and deepest valleys.  Until God tells him the single set of footprints are there because God carried him through the hard times… well, that is how my life has been with my family and my friends.  They are always there.   I know the Lord has blessed me with these people and I am forever grateful.

Remember I mentioned those boys I am raising?  Well, sometimes, I think they may be teaching me more than I teach them!  My favorite thing about them is how deeply they love… I know that not all people can love so completely, and I can appreciate this in them.  Hearing them say, ‘I love you, mommy,’ truly melts my heart.  I am so sincerely thankful for these beautiful boys… they make my life worth living and remind me every day of God’s love for me and the greatness that he wants in my life. 

Well, I think you are all up to speed on the basics… NOW, you will understand where I am coming from when I write the things I do.  I hope you enjoy this little blog and are entertained in sharing my blessings and trials!

With love,

April